fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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