I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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