Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
