He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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