That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
