so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Too much gin, very little bucket
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
