Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
