I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
