Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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