he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
