How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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