He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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