Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
