ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
