I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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