Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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