i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
