dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
