my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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