i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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