last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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