Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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