I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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