non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.