am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
