somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do herpes really smell.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes