Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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