i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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