I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
