Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
