Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
