no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
