it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
