I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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