I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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