She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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