U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
