Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
They took my balls.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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