My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
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I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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