Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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