Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
