Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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