So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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