i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
