We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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