I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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