3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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