he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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