My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
