Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
