I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
