Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
