Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
