Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
