hotel room ftw
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
