dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
