shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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