He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
