You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
